song to listen to while reading: In My Place by Coldplay
Author’s note: Although this song is suggested to be about a romantic significant other, I would like to apply it to other relationship dynamics, particularly childhood and adulthood. The cusp bridging these two highly variable and overlapping stages of life can be enthralling, exciting, painful, difficult, and tricky to navigate. Taking a deep dive into these lyrics was an attempt to find clarity in my own life, and to make peace with the past.
I hope you can resonate with this piece, and that it provides you with comfort, introspection, or a laugh, whatever you think you need this week.
Thank you for reading!
-Rach
In My Place, In My Place
When I think of place, I think of two different sorts. Place as in metaphorical standing ground, and place as in a dwelling, such as a home or a room. Navigating place as an almost 20-year-old, reminds me of my interactions with my parents, as they were once “in my place.”
Adolescence feels like a push and pull between so many factors, independence and dependence, friendship and relationship, academics and a social life, religion and secularism, and so on and so on. Often it feels like there is an obligation to choose one over the other.
Adults or authority figures in my life have always encouraged me to “find balance,” like balance was something easily attainable or simple to manage. Entering adulthood feels like I’m riding on a unicycle, juggling multiple items, blindfolded, while everything is on fire. Okay, maybe not that dramatic, but I can’t really think of anything else to better explain it. Instead of having “a lot on my plate,” there is “a lot in my place,” if that makes some kind of sense.
Were lines that I couldn't change
Genius, the lyric website and digital media company, refer to lines in this song as “inevitably unchangeable characteristics.” Characteristics could be one interpretation, but lines reminded me more of beliefs, traits, ideas, and/or morals that are imposed onto you as a child, adolescent, or adult, that you take with you and retain parts of for the rest of your life. Not necessarily traumatic, but impactful.
For me, these lines are intertwined, making my life unique, such as growing up Christian and dealing with mental illness. No matter how much I want to run from them, these lines will always be a part of me, whether broken, continuous, or left behind. They are not fully curable or solvable, I will still take pieces and carry them until I die. I, as a whole, change every day, but these lines will not. My experience with them will paradigm shift, that is a fact, but the concepts themselves are not something I can ever erase.
I was lost, oh yeah
I was lost, I was lost
In the past month, on multiple occasions, I was told that “I seem like I know myself well” or “am very self-aware,” which I responded to with a dry chuckle. Being self-aware is a double-edged sword. The moment I think I know myself, I start to doubt and overthinking comes into play. Hyperfixating on every little mistake or awkward interaction I’ve made in my life, cursing at the universe for not intervening, keeps me up at night. Noticing what makes me tick, what makes me upset, satisfied, wanted, and loved becomes second nature, I begin to recognize triggers and coping mechanisms like the back of my hand.
Recently, I played the game we’re not really strangers and was faced with the fact that people assumed I had my shit together (newsflash: I do not). The truth is, I’ve never felt so lost, so torn between lifestyles and expectations, that I honestly don’t know where to go from here.
Everywhere around me there are movements and individuals telling me what to do, what not to do, how to do it, how not to do it, what to avoid, how to formulate, write, think, and simply be, that if I mess up or make a mistake, or even follow their instructions to a T, there is something still inherently wrong. Especially on the internet, people think they have the right to comment on every little detail or introspect and analyse the lives of others (which they most likely have not met) based on a short video or picture.
Being lost is a normal part of every stage of life, it just seems like early adulthood is where it strikes a chord the most.
Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed
I was lost, oh yeah
Boundaries are something I have been trying to maintain and uphold, even if parts of me say otherwise.
Read here for more on that:
Crossing lines is usually used to refer to social norms, but what about the norms we have? The comfortable/uncomfortability levels of each of us? The things that hurt us deeply? More than they would hurt another person?
I have hurt people. I have crossed lines that I should have never crossed. Ran across them, more like it. And I’ve done it again and again.
I have had people hurt me, and I’ve never forgiven them for it. Some of those people, I forgive too quickly because it’s hard to stay mad at them.
I don’t know when to stop and when to go. Do I stand still or step into the unknown?
Yeah
How long must you wait for it?
Yeah
How long must you pay for it?
Yeah
How long must you wait for it?
Oh, for it
Social media often obscures my sense of reality because it only shows the exciting good things people are up to. I argue with my parents a lot than I should have over this. People doing things I should be doing, places I should be, money I need to make so I can do these things.
It feels almost as if the fear of missing out has trapped me in a clear glass box in the middle of a busy city crosswalk or town square, and people are rushing, frantically passing by while my face is squished up against the walls.
“WHAT ABOUT ME” I yell and bang the enclosure with my fists.
“PLEASE LET ME OUT” I beg them with pleading eyes.
Now, this is starting to sound a little self-centred, but I am also the people passing by, showing select moments of my life. I guess this blog is where I share the “not so palatable” parts.
The usage of “it” in these choruses by Coldplay leaves the listener to imagine what “it” is in their own lives. The open-endedness makes the song relatable, as there can be a multitude of situations waiting and patience can apply to.
We’ve all universally waited, anticipated, or stood in limbo. “It” could mean love, loss, consequences, and more. The verb “pay” refers to something monetary, whether literal or figuratively. If you make a bad decision that comes back to haunt you, that is “paying” for your actions, and “how long” could mean that the singer owes something that they cannot provide at the moment, hence still “paying for it.”
Sometimes, we treat relationships as an exchange, feelings that are freely given and taken, emotions that are traded, experiences that are displayed. Personally, “no strings attached” is a phrase that I do not totally agree with, because no matter what, there will see be a tie to that other person.
See here:
I was scared, I was scared
Tired and under prepared
But I'll wait for it
In a conversation with a close friend, we were talking about how adulthood is like “diving off a cliff blindfolded” or “driving on a highway with no directions.” It is scary getting older, but feeling lost is something that also forces you to gain life experience. I heard something where turning 18 was the first countable year of adulthood, so being 19, 20, and 21 years old, you would only be a year old, two years old, and so on. I guess I am a baby when it comes to that. Constantly taking in stimuli and trying to make something of it.
Leading up to something new or approaching unfamiliar territory is always exhausting. You try and prepare the best you can and it turns out that preparation can only take you so far. I have no idea what I’m waiting for. Moving out? Freedom? Disposable income? A partner? A relationship? A stable job? Everything I don’t have? Should I be reminded about everything I do have?
All these things I’m listing I can do something about eventually.
Hesitating at the edge of the diving board before taking the leap is where I’m at right now.
I am grateful for this platform, to have access to internet so I can share my silly little anecdotes with you all. I am also grateful to have resources and experiences that a lot of the world does not have. I try to recognize my privilege, and yet, there is an insatiable urge for more. Whether that is the fault of capitalism, consumerism, the demographic in which I am, or the fact that I have fortunately never experienced what a lot of the world does, I can never quite place my finger on it.
If you go, if you go
Leave me down here on my own
Then I'll wait for you (yeah)
Parting with childhood comes with complexities. So does breaking off and mending relationships. As a sentimental person, letting go is something that is hard to do. I do not know if younger me is leaving present me behind, or vice-versa. What I do know for sure, is that whatever version of me is waiting, they’re anticipating the other’s return.
These lines can also apply to toxic relationships, as being at rock-bottom seems like the only option, and staying in the hole is safer than crawling out. Waiting for the person to change is like expecting them to outstretch an arm to pull you up, but instead they just toss crumbs down at you. An unhealthy relationship does not always have to be with others, it can also be with yourself. The thing with that is we often don’t realize it’s toxic until too late, as habits that are destructive mask as coping mechanisms. Differentiating between these two has made it hard to move forwards, and as the queen of 20 something teenage girls, Olivia Rodrigo, sings, it's always “one step forward and three steps back.”
Yeah
How long must you wait for it?
Yeah
How long must you pay for it?
Yeah
How long must you wait for it?
Oh, for it?
Singing please, please, please
Come back and sing to me
To me, me
Come on and sing it out
Now, now
Come on and sing it out
To me, me
Come back and sing
This bridge always gets me super emotional because of the nature of the album, and of this particular song.
As Genius states:
“Thematically, it speaks of the inevitably unchangeable characteristics present in all humans. Chris warns listeners from letting these flaws deteriorate relationships with loved ones.”
“The song is directly related to the whole concept of the album and the song “A Rush of Blood to the Head” : the mental state the singer is in, his impulsive behaviours, his insecurities, and all the lack of emotional intelligence in his characteristics. In this song, he asks his significant other to understand him and the place and state he is in because he feels lost.”
They are pretty accurate with this interpretation, and I think the song was written beautifully. With that said, being aimless or lost is echoed through the song repeatedly, forming an overarching theme.
It is especially hard to live with meaning and purpose when societal expectations and familial obligations put pressure on the trajectory the way your life is going. Coldplay encourages us to use music to bring back those who have left us behind, or who we have abandoned ourselves. “Come back and sing” floods me with nostalgia, as I remember the countless lullabies and songs my parents used to sing to me before I went to sleep. The unfinished end line feeds into the outro, as it sounds like Martin wants his lover to sing it with him.
In My Place, In My Place
Were lines that I couldn't change
And I was lost, oh yeah
Oh yeah
Ultimately, this song helps me define many of the conflicting emotions that come with impending adulthood, even though most of the band members were already well into their 20’s when it was written. Jonny Buckland’s guitar riff pierces through the melody line of the song, providing an easy listening backbone. Dramatic swelling strings layered within the song give “In My Place” a cinematic feel. A steady groove by drummer Will Champion lends a classic 90’s and early 2000’s soft rock feel, à la Oasis and Snow Patrol. The catchy but complementary bass line by Guy Berryman grounds the entire song, and Martin’s keys and vocals (almost desperate and pleading) are the cherry on top.
Although I discovered this song relatively late, it has never been more relevant until now.
Listening:
Spotify Playlist: Pumpkin Spice
Album: The Land Is Inhospitable and So Are We - Mitski
Song: Baby I’m Yours - Cass Elliot
Reading:
omg as a diehard coldplay fan since the age of 12 this song rly guts me -- i love ur reactions and interpretations to the lyrics!
MY FAVORITE SONG FROM A RUSH OF BLOOD TO THE HEAD <3 This is so lovely, thank you for it!