songs to listen to while reading: Halah - Mazzy Star, Last Nite - The Strokes
Hi friends,
When I was thinking of what to write for this month’s wrapped, I realized how many of my interactions were made with people in the past four weeks, whether bonding, listening, or introducing ourselves to one another.
The first thing that came to mind was a tapestry, each person I come into contact with; a thread woven in. The more prevalent or deep the relationship, the more of that thread, hence the more of that colour.
Sometimes, a thread will only be a small piece of the tapestry, still there, just not noticeable to the naked eye. They still make up the structure, just not as much as other bunches or colours of thread. Other times, they’ll be patches dedicated to a specific design; a specific person.
As with all creations, threads might get tangled, mixed up, knotted together, or even cut off.
This month, I’ve been focusing on unravelling threads, and adding some back into the tapestry, especially the ones that have been sitting in the basket in the back of my closet, getting dusty and forgotten.
If you have read my work before, I usually add in some abstract metaphor/allegory that takes a bit to understand (actually not hard to understand at all), so hopefully you kind of got the gist of what I was saying.
August has been fervent with forgiveness and healing, as well as letting summer slip away, and all that came with it.
The girlies here on Substack have been talking all this month about roots and rootlessness, the fleeting and temporary, emptiness and crowded rooms, and the idea of establishment.
See here:
Reading these, I resonate with them, because I feel like I am entering this space of wanting to put roots down (dating again, solidifying purpose), and digging or pulling them up and starting new (experience with religion, the urge to stay less at home). Pulling roots isn’t inherently necessarily a bad thing, and neither is grounding yourself. The thing is, some experiences feel like both.
Weaving my life tapestry feels like the above, constantly tearing apart, cutting and weaving, stitching, pulling thread, intertwining. I keep looking back at the patterns I’ve produced, the places I’ve stayed, and the sights and smells of my childhood. Simultaneously looking ahead, trying to “reinvent” and “uproot”, but desperately holding and grasping onto the last bits of nostalgia and lingering that brought me here.
Holding onto trauma and letting it seep down into your being is almost like root rot. There is a hindrance or reluctance to plant fresh seeds, and a worry if you pull up those roots, the rot will have gotten to every part of the ecosystem, without any chance to save or hold onto the old.
Recently I had a long conversation with a friend about how past experiences and trauma have an influence on the future, or the completed tapestry. We were sitting on their dorm bed, late at night, with their sunset lamp emanating a warm glow inside the room. We bonded over having anxiety, hesitance because of past mistakes, and how navigating relationships with those in our life can be more complex than it seems.
It was raw and unfiltered, and although I mostly listened, I saw them for who they were, and the vulnerability that they had is something I greatly appreciate and will never forget. We put roots down in our relationship that night, and with that, threads were interwoven.
Nowadays, it seems like a lot of the world is focused on keeping up outer appearance, seeking out a friendship or getting into a relationship with somebody because you “like the idea of them” but not actually them.
This week has broken down the walls that I’ve kept up because of a lack of genuine connection, and interactions during the month have taught me the importance of being open and listening to what others have to say.
I have mentioned the concept of path-crossing and sonder before in this newsletter/blog/magazine/whatever this is, but never thought of how timing plays a part.
Path Crossing:
Sonder:
There is an A24 movie called Past Lives, where the Korean concept of in-yun (fate) is explored. I grew up religious and still identify as so (spiritual), and past lives/ reincarnation were never ideas I thought of or believed in.
I do believe, however, that you were put into people’s lives, and they in yours, for a reason. In terms of traumatic or toxic relationships, I never wish harm or pain on anybody, so this is something I am still exploring within myself, and talking with others before I solidify any points. Maybe I never will.
This morning, one of the orientation leaders I’m working alongside this week told our team that a friend shared something with him that he thought we should hear too.
“You are the person these people need to hear.”
So let them.
Consuming:
Reading:
Everyone’s August in summaries!
read Sophie’s and Anna’s below!
Asisa Kadiri
Ethaney Lee
Listening:
Beach House
Radiohead
Stephen Sanchez
Maiah Manser
Chappell Roan
Mazzy Star
Cigarettes After Sex (cried during their concert)
Watching:
stars by the ocean
waves crashing against a dock
the little smile lines and eye wrinkles that form when my friends smile
spiders weaving their webs
leaves on trees tinging with yellow, orange, and red
the breeze rushing past my skin, tainting it with goosebumps
That is all for August, see you in September :)
- Rach
I love your use of a tapestry as a metaphor here, perfectly describes the phenomenon. Glad to hear my piece inspired you :)
rachel...LOVED THis!! such a relatable post. feel like early 20s is so tumultuous and the root (hehe) might just be the lack of roots...you're onto something sister!